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 Jokes #2


A foreman sent out two groups of men to put up telephone poles along a new highway and asked them to report at the end of the day. The crews were gone all day and returned just as the sun was setting.
The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they had installed. The reply was eleven.
The foreman patted the guy on the back and said,
- "Not bad." Then he went to the leader of the next group and asked him the same question. Two was the reply.
- "Two! All you installed were two?! The other group installed eleven!" The foreman exclaimed angrily.
- "Yeah," the leader answered,
- "But you should have seen how much they left sticking out!"

*****

Why did the cow go to the video store?
To get a MOOvie.

Why can’t you get a straight answer from a wrestler?
They are hard to pin down.

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a vegetable?
A broccosaurus.

What happens to a cat who drinks too much lemonade?
It turns into a sourpuss.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
Because they never learned good table manners.

If there were ten cats in a boat, and one jumped out, how many cats would be left?
None. They’re copycats.

What do you call a cat at he beach?
Sandy Claws.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

Why is impossible to sleep during a tennis match?
Because of all the racquet.

*****

A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce.
He asks, Any grounds?
Woman: yeah, about 2 acres.
Lawyer: Do you have a grudge ?
Woman: No, we have a car port.
Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning ?
Woman: No, I get up before him.
Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don't you want a divorce ?
Woman: No, my husband wants it...he says he can't communicate with me !

*****

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside.
- Step aside, lady, he barked. I've taken a course in first-aid!
The women watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder.
- Pardon me, she said. But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.

*****

A man was sitting in a bar complaining about how much he hated his wife. After a few minutes the man next to him said:
- "Hello. My name is Art. I couldn't help but overhear you. If you give me a dollar I'll kill your wife for you. "The man said:
- "Great! She'll be at Kroger's tomorrow in a black car.
The next day Art went to Kroger's and strangled the woman. There were 2 old ladies watching him, so he strangled them too. Then the police arrested him. The headline the next day said:
- "Art Chokes 3 For A Dollar At Kroger's"

*****

Baseball In Heaven

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
- "Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
- "Of course it me," Bob replied.
- "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
- "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
- "Tell me the good news first."
- "Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
- "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
- "You're pitching tomorrow night."

*****

Bad Bird

A man buys a parrot from a pet shop. The parrot is highly intelligent but all he ever does is swears. Day and night the parrot shouts out obscene words and phrases until one day the man decides to teach him a lesson.

He is standing in the kitchen with the parrot, constantly swearing, seated on his shoulder. The man tells the parrot that if he doesn't stop swearing he is going to open the door of his freezer and throw him in. The parrot laughs and tells him that he wouldn't dare.

The parrot ignores the threat and sure enough, the man opens his freezer, grabs the bird by its neck, throws him inside and slams it shut. The bird bangs constantly on the door asking to be let out and promises never to swear again.

After about 5 minutes the man agrees to give the bird one more chance and places him back on his shoulder.

After a few minutes the parrot has warmed up again and asks the man, "What did the chicken do?"

*****

Once, an engineer was accidentally sent to hell. The engineer installed running water, air conditioning, and a fax in Satan's office. Gradually hell became an agreeable place. When God heard of this, he was furious. He went to Satan, and demanded the engineer at once. Satan refused. God said,
- "If you don't give me the engineer, I shall take you to court".
Satan didn't seem worried. He said,
- "You can't do that."
- "And why not ?..." God asked.
- "Where do you think you are going to get a lawyer from?" says the devil.


 

 


Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference to you, just let me in!



Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ketchchup Ketchchup who?
Kethchup to me and I will tell you.


 

Source: PI  
Date: 03-31-2015

 

 

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