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Funny Jokes Online ...

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 Jokes #1


One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said:
- "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
- "Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" The professor asked.
The kid replied:
- "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

*****

What Do These Animals Say?

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooooooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

*****

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember: you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

*****

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb.
One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and around.

*****

The Genie:
Two guys are out fishing. One of them hooks an old bottle and hauls it in. As he is rubbing it to clean it up, a genie pops out. "For setting me free," says the genie, "You can have one wish...anything you want." The angler thinks for a minute, then says, "Turn the whole lake into beer." POOF! The genie is gone and the entire lake has become ice cold brew. His buddy looks around and shakes his head. "Way to go, stupid...now we got to pee in the boat!"

*****

Lawyer Joke:

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The
lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and
everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance
company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said
the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my
belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance
company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a
flood?" he asked.

*****

Commercial Problem:

A guy calls the jeep company.
RING! RING!
Jeep Company Employee: Hello?
Man: Is this the Jeep company?
JCP: Yes, sir, it is.
Man: I need to report a very serious incident.
JCP: What was this incident?
Man: Uh, ba-da, well, ya see, I have a Jeep, and I was driving down route 60 and I saw another one.
JCP: You were driving down route 60 and you saw another Jeep?
Man: Yes, that's correct
JCP: Um, I must be missing something here, what is the problem?
Man: Well, uh, ba-da ya see, you're commercial says there's only ONE Jeep.
JCP: Sir, what we meant was that there's only one BRAND of Jeep
Man: No, no, no! That's not what you said!!! You said there was only one JEEP!!! This must mean there's 2 of 'em. Maybe even more.
JCP: And you bought you're Jeep thinking that it was the only one?
Man: Yes, that's correct. It would b-b-b-become valuable.
JCP: Maybe you should talk to...
Man: You're company has a very misleading commercial!
JCP: What?

*****

The Fishing Priest

The priest was a fisherman, but he hadn't fished in months. One perfect
Sunday morning he couldn't resist. He called up the Bishop and claimed
he had laryngitis. The priest then headed out to his favorite spot.

The hook hadn't been in the water five minutes before he got a strike,
and landed the biggest fish he had ever caught - although he had seen
bigger ones., A half hour* later, he caught the biggest fish he had ever
seen. Another forty-five minutes later he landed a fish that broke the
world record.

All this time St. Peter and God have been watching the priest from
heaven. St. Peter turned to God, and said, "How can you reward this
priest? He lied. He let down his congregation."

God smiles at St. Peter, and replies, "I'm punishing him."

St. Peter is confused, so God continues, "Well, after he finishes, who
can he tell his story to?"

How's the Fishing?
Fellow was fishing. Guy walks up and says, "How's the fishing?"

Fellow says, "Fishing's fine."

Guy says, "How many you got?"

Fellow says, "None."

Guy says, "None? Thought you said the fishing's fine!"

Fellow says, "Fishing' is fine, catchin's  bad!"

*****

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

*****

The Ice Fisherman

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman frilled a hole in the ice and
peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down
there."

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered
into the hole and again the voice said, :There's no fish down there."

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and
again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

*****

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says, after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister...a married man, experienced....for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply...."Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!"

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority--a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge--a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question and states: "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks: "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it!"

*****

Clinton dies and he goes to hell. Satan meets him there and says, "Bill we have to find a spot for you for all of eternity." So Satan takes Bill down a hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Bill Gates being burned at the stake. "No," Bill balks, "I can't do that for all eternity." "Fair enough," replies Satan. Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second door. Inside is Rush Limbaugh being pulled apart on The Rack. "No," Bill again balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity, either." Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him a blow job. Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me." Satan walks into the room and kicks Monica and shouts, "Get up Monica, and get out...... Your replacement's here."


 

 


Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A:  Pull the pin out and throw it back.



Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?

A: Cell phones.


 

Source: PI  
Date: 03-31-2015

 

 

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